The People-Pleaser Mentality
Why "Nice" Girls Sometimes Finish Last
What is a people pleaser? Someone who puts everyone else's needs above her own, has trouble saying no, worries about what other people think, and rarely does things for herself. Pleasers hold back their opinions and thoughts for fear that someone will disagree or be upset with their viewpoint. As a result, they often are hyper-sensitive to criticism, blame themselves when things go wrong, and have an over-developed sense of responsibility and fear of abandonment. Although our society encourages this kind of "nice" behavior, especially in young girls, the "real-world" effects can be devastating as these girls grow into people-pleasing adults.
Girls Suffer Most
Girls are far more likely to suppress their needs, desires, and opinions than boys. Societal norms, perpetuated by well-intentioned parents and teachers, play a huge role. Research shows female students receive less praise for the intellectual quality of their ideas, learn to value tidiness over innovation, and are applauded for being nice and accommodating. According to Dr. Kevin Leman in his book Women Who Try Too Hard: Breaking the Pleaser Habits, "It's a way of life for many - if not most - women who live in a culture that subtly and not so subtly trains them to be the ones who keep everyone happy."
It becomes a self-perpetuating cycle, whereby girls try to please others, assuming the acceptance of others will make them feel better. Unfortunately, people-pleasing behaviors often leave girls feeling dependent, inadequate, and powerless.
Why the Obsession to Please?
Many factors motivate girls to please, including:
Upbringing. Girls are trained to be pleasers by family, friends, school, society, or their culture. Many pleasers were raised by parents who disregarded their thoughts and needs. In extreme cases, pleasers had neglectful or abusive childhood experiences, which taught them their feelings weren't important. When parents or teachers celebrate a child for being compliant and obedient, the pleasing behaviors are reinforced.
Acceptance. Sometimes parents offer love, attention, or caring only when a child is compliant, sending the message that their value comes from their ability to please others. The lesson is clear: "You are only lovable if you do what I say." Thus, attempts to please others as an adult stem from a fear of rejection or an attempt to avoid judgment.
Conflict Avoidance. People pleasers would do anything to avoid conflict. Often, they learned as children that complying with the wishes of others helps to dodge anger and controversy. As pleasers grow older, they learn the harsh lesson that adult life is full criticism and conflict that must be managed and addressed rather than avoided.
Fear of Abandonment. For some people, the people-pleaser pattern stems from a fear of being alone or abandoned. If a child perceives that her parent left her or rejected her when she wasn't complying with everything they wanted, she might try to please them at all costs.
Low Self-Esteem. Pleasers believe they are only valuable if people like them. Those with low self-esteem don't believe they deserve to get what they want or to be heard. Without the affirmations and acceptance of people around them, they feel unimportant or worthless.
Real-Life Consequences
People-pleasing behaviors have negative consequences beyond the obvious personal battles with low self-esteem, dissatisfaction, and isolation. They also struggle in relationships, frequently seeking out a friend or romantic interest that is controlling and thinks they know what's best for her. Even the kindest of pleasers, though, cannot accept never getting their way or eternally stifling their thoughts and opinions in favor of someone else's. As a result, resentment builds and she may start withdrawing or becoming passive-aggressive. In the book Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and Other Realities of Adolescence, author Rosalind Wiseman says: "Girls in cliques worry constantly about pleasing each other and often refrain from speaking their minds. As adults, they end up aiming to please friends or partners to the point of resentment."
In addition to relationship troubles, people-pleasers risk being stunted in their careers. While avoiding confrontation and following instructions brought praise and acceptance as children, these same qualities may quash a girl's professional advancement. Research shows that leaders take risks and don't worry about what everyone else thinks. Successful career women make their own rules, take big risks, toot their own horns, and don't worry if everyone likes them, according to Kate White, author of Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead But Gutsy Girls Do. People-pleasers are so busy trying to appease everyone and maintain the status quo, they often reach a "glass ceiling" at the middle-management level.
Transforming People-Pleasing Behaviors
All negative behaviors, once acknowledged, can be changed. Here are a few steps pleasers can take to begin to find their voice:
Assess your behavior. There are many varieties of people-pleasing behavior. Monitor your thoughts and actions to determine which behaviors you exhibit when trying to accommodate or please others. Do you avoid speaking up? Do you always share the same opinion as someone else? Do you get confused instead of angry? Are there certain situations or people that make you compliant?
Understand what drives you to please. People comply with the wishes of others to derive some perceived benefit. What are you gaining by pleasing others? Love or acceptance? If you didn't please others, what are you afraid would happen? Conflict, anger, or abandonment?
Listen to your inner-voice. Spend a few minutes asking yourself how you feel and what you are thinking at the moment your people-pleasing behavior occurs. Get to know what it feels like when you are being compliant. Do you feel confused, afraid, or needy? If you can't identify the feeling itself, pay special attention to situations that might trigger compliance, such as an encounter with an angry boyfriend or a meddling friend. Do you quickly comply without discussion? Being aware of your feelings in the moment gives you the power to choose a different response. Doubt your fears by asking, "What's the worst thing that could happen if I don't comply?" If you fear losing love or acceptance, picture the worst-case scenario and realize you could handle it.
Assert yourself. Once you're aware of your thoughts and opinions, try expressing them to others. You don't have to be domineering or excessively opinionated, but recognize that your input is valuable. If others disagree, defend your opinions even if people don't always like it.
Set limits with more "no" and less "yes." Say "no" out loud, as often as you can. Practice using phrases like "No, I'm not interested" or "No, I don't want to go there." Start small, saying no to simple questions from close friends and family, and build up to tougher situations.
Give yourself a minute to think before immediately saying "yes" to questions or requests. Practice non-committal answers like "Let me think about it and I'll get back to you" or "I'll have to check my calendar and let you know." It's also wise to have a few excuses on hand, like a previous engagement, plans with friends, or an athletic event or club meeting, in case you feel uncomfortable asking for more time.
Channel your aggression. Does a part of you feel angry that your needs aren't being met, or rebellious against the people you try to please? Get in touch with these assertive feelings and find constructive ways to express them.
Take time for yourself. There's no better way to explore who you are and what you want than making time for yourself. Sit quietly, read a book, listen to music, or take a walk, even if you feel guilty at first.
Develop a support network. Spend more time around people who like you for you and don't have to have their way all the time. Rather than trying to accomplish everything on your own, ask someone to help you.
In The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids, Jenn Berman recommends that parents encourage their daughters to set boundaries, speak their minds, and form opinions. By giving girls permission to take risks and make mistakes, and by teaching them to love their bodies, imperfections and all, parents can help build their daughters' self-confidence. Parents also can help counteract people-pleasing behaviors by helping girls find positive role models and learning about brilliant, successful women in history; limiting her media exposure to protect her self-image; monitoring your comments about yourself and your stereotypes; and appreciating your daughter for her mind.
It is not selfish or "mean" to take care of yourself. Despite the best of intentions, girls actually have less to offer when they lose their identity and self-worth. In healthy relationships, you both give and receive through a series of negotiations and compromises. Join the group, but only if you can be yourself. Help others, but don't ignore your own needs, thoughts, or desires in the process.
